Mary Janssen Life Coach

Creating Connection and Fulfillment

Forgiveness Is A Process

“Forgiveness is hard,” I thought to myself. I was working with my life coach on healing an old wound that was affecting an important relationship. And by affecting, I mean spiraling so often and deep that I was losing sleep, crying in the shower, feeling like I wanted to punch this person in the face (which I would never actually do). But then I realized, forgiveness is simple. It’s the repetition of having to forgive over and over and over again that’s frustrating.

Forgiveness is a process. Starting at the top layer and working your way down. “I forgive you for triggering me today.” Simple. Then, “I forgive you for triggering me the time before that…..I forgive you for triggering me the time before that…” and so on and so forth. Until you get to the original wound. And there, is where deeper forgiveness must happen. There is where it might feel harder because there are several steps to forgiving the original wound.

  1. Are you ready? You took on that wound for a reason. What benefit are you getting from holding onto it? Did you put up a wall that feels like it’s protecting you from getting hurt again? Does it give you someone else to blame for other challenges you’re facing? Are you ready to let go of whatever you’re getting from the wound? If so, great – head to step 2. If you’re not ready yet, no worries, still work on step 2 and forgiving them again each time they trigger your wound. You will keep getting triggered until the wound is healed.
  2. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for taking on the wound, playing victim, and reacting to that person’s actions instead of focusing only on yourself. Forgive yourself for every time that you’ve been triggered since then and the way it affected your life and relationships. Forgive yourself for holding onto it for as long as you have. Forgive yourself for being human. You were getting some benefit out of holding on, remember?
  3. Forgive them and move forward. Fully release the wound. Take away all it’s power over you. Thank it for the benefit it provided for helping you feel safe and helping you grow (going through this process is a definite growing period – hooray, You!). Fully release the person(s) whose actions resulted in your wound from being your negative energy target. Maybe you will jump right back in with that person, maybe you will set up stronger boundaries with them in the future. Do what feels best for you and is in the highest good for everyone.

I personally wrestle with “Should I talk to the person who hurt me? Should I tell them that their actions had lasting consequences on my life?” That, I think, is completely individual to you, your relationship with that person, the situation, and what has passed since the original wound. And what kind of boundaries you want to set up with that person moving forward. Maybe they will want an explanation of why you’ve set stricter boundaries, maybe they won’t.

Before you head into any conversations ask yourself “Why do I feel the need to talk to them?” If it’s because you want them to know that they were bad to you, head right on back to step 1 above. You’re still wounded and triggered. If it’s because you want to share your growth experience, own your reactions and triggers, and explain why you are setting boundaries that are in the highest good for everyone involved, then it might be worth it. But, be very cautious that you aren’t returning the favor of being wounded (even subconsciously).

This process can take time, as much or as little as you need (see step 1). And it’s all okay. Keep working on step 2: forgive yourself. Have grace and remember you are only human and that is a good thing.

With love,
Mary

How to Kick Butt at Small talk

“So, what’s new with you?” Do you dread that question wondering “how in the world do I explain my entire, ever-changing, multi-faceted life in 1-2 neat, tidy sentences?! Guess I’ll just say ‘oh, not much, what’s new with you?’”

It’s so easy to brush past all the joys you’re bursting to share and even more so to hold back the hurts you’re working through…but that’s really what we need isn’t it? Space to share openly and honestly without feeling like we’ll be judged. And maybe, just maybe, actually get the support we desperately need?

No wonder so many people hate small talk. It feels fake and surface level. But, also, how do you go deep without putting someone through a 2-hour life-story monologue? (Please tell me I’m not the only one that could talk that long.) It starts with intention. What’s the intention of the person asking you the question and what’s your intention behind the answer you give?

If they are just being polite, then “oh, not much, what’s new with you?” works great. Chances are they are open to more. If they are genuinely interested in hearing a bit about your life maybe they want to know that they aren’t the only one going through some struggles right now, or maybe they are looking to spread some joy and celebration for one of your recent wins. Feel into what they’re really asking, so you can give them a succinct answer.

Even if you aren’t sure what their deeper question is, ask yourself what your intention is. Do you need to put an ask out into the universe for some support and admit you’re struggling? Do you need some celebratory energy sent your way? Do you want to inspire someone with your vulnerability to move past the surface level answer without expectation for how they will respond?

Why are you saying what you’re saying? That’s always the question. Have a practice go right now. If an acquaintance you want to get closer to asks you “what’s new with you?” How would you answer? What are you feeling in this moment? What do you need – what’s the intention behind your answer? Keep it simple and honest.

When you do it in real life, if you don’t like what you said or how they react, guess what? You are fully in charge and capable of saying “Thanks for listening and you know what, actually, I’d like to talk about [insert new topic] now.”

Easy as that – in reading and writing…for real life: have courage, be brave, be ready to stumble a few times as you try this out. It’s all part of the fun. Afterward, notice: how did it feel to share more openly? Share that in the comments below.

Want more ideas on how to take conversations beyond small talk? Download my free ebook From Acquaintances to Besties: 12 Techniques to Authentically Strike Up Deep Conversations.

How to Support Your Loved Ones: It’s Different Than You Think

In the movie “27 Dresses” the main character bends over backward to support other women on their big day in the hope that one day it’ll be her day and they will all be there to support her. What if, at the end of the movie, instead of the sweet pan-out shot of the long line of women in ridiculous dresses there to support our heroine no one showed up?

That’s how I feel as an empath. That I put in so much energy, time, effort, and sometimes sweat and tears to support others in their big life events. And I did it happily and with the hope that when it was my turn I would receive their support in return. But then I didn’t.

It’s not that they weren’t supporting me, they just couldn’t feel my needs in their bodies and give to me from complete understanding and almost psychic knowing of what I needed. And, because that was the only way I knew how to give, that’s how I expected to receive support so I wasn’t open to the type of support that was being offered. Maybe that desire for specific support came off as expecting too much. Maybe that’s part of why I’m often perceived as both “too sensitive” and “cold.”

I would guess most of the people who’ve hurt me don’t even know it. I was not about to tell them! After all, as an empath, starting a confrontational conversation is doubly painful for me. I would rather brush it under the rug and let them think everything is sunshine and rainbows than admit I was wounded. This also leads to holding onto hurts that were never fully expressed and moved through in an open, healthy way. Being an empath is hard, especially if you don’t know you are one. For many years I didn’t know I am an empath. I was just a big ball of too many emotions I didn’t know what to do with and feeling unsupported through it all.

So, how do you give and get the best support? 

  1. If you are not an empath or highly sensitive person, try to have compassion and sympathy, if not empathy (hugely different from being empathic FYI), for your “sensitive” loved ones when they tell you they don’t feel supported. And, since you can’t feel their emotions yourself, ASK how they would like to be supported. It may surprise you as to how different it is from how you like to receive support. Do your best to give support in the way they ask. This tip works for anyone, empath or not: ask and make an effort.

  2. If you are the “sensitive” one, put an energetic bubble around yourself and tap into your courage then confide to your close circle that you don’t feel supported. Be ready with a kind and specific request of how your people can support you right now. Then be open to however they are able to show you support in their own way. Asking and receiving may both take some practice, but you’ve got this!

Go out and support one another in a kind, loving, individual way. You will be blown away by the depth of connection it brings.

If you want a safe space to practice asking for and receiving specific support, join the Connect Deep-Her Circle.  Learn more here.

Are You Tired of Pretending to be Someone You’re Not?

Have you ever experienced yourself shift between the person you act like with one group of people and the person you act like with a different group? Maybe you’ve noticed or maybe it was so subtle you missed it, but we all do it. I didn’t realize how much I was pretending to be someone I’m not until I started to find my true self buried under years of hiding behind masks and putting up shields. Once I found a group of women who supported me no matter what – and actually called me out when I was being inauthentic, I began to reconnect with the real me.

One day I spent the morning with the group I pretended among the most. Then I went directly into virtual circle with the group who supports me being authentic. Just before my circle started, I made the switch. And I noticed it. It was a “WHOA!” moment because I did a 180 degree flip! Not a small, nuanced shift in how I laugh or what the appropriate topics of conversation are, but a total reconfiguration of myself!

I couldn’t believe it! I immediately knew which version of myself I liked better: the no-pretending version. No wonder I never felt comfortable with that first group; I was stifling myself under so many layers of faking it to try and be who I thought they wanted me to be that I was barely a shred of my true, authentic self around them.

Slowly, I’ve been letting myself drop the shields with that first group. Thanks to my circle, I know myself much better and I have a place to practice being in my truth. It’s been life changing! Especially since I have to be around that first group quite often. With the support of my circle I have worked through my limiting beliefs and fears about the first group not accepting me for who I am. I now realize they want me to feel comfortable and happy being with them so we can have real connections.

It takes time to break habits and reframe long-held beliefs. And, of course, I still keep some things to myself because they are solely for my personal enjoyment. I continue to move forward with grace and self compassion while developing new habits, and so much gratitude for the self awareness and the support of the wonderful women in circle with me.

How would it feel for you to have support like that? For others to see you as your real, authentic self and love you just as you are? To have a space to practice being your true self (because, let’s be honest, it’s often easier to keep hiding and pretending)? If you’re longing for deeper connection with your true self and with others check out the Connect Deep-Her Circle here. 

What’s the Word, Hummingbird?

As the New Year rolls in, we tend to set a resolution or goal we want to achieve within the next 12 months. And that’s great! But, have you considered how you want to feel? How you want to be?

Choosing a word or theme for the year can be more opening and life-changing than meeting a single or series of goal(s). Instead of “lose 10 pounds” maybe you REALLY want to be “energized” or prioritize your “health.” Instead of “get promoted at work” your true desire might be “abundance” or “freedom.” Do you see how powerful this can be?

How to choose a word for the year:

  1. Make a list of words or 2-3 word phrases that answer the following questions:
    1. How do I want to feel this year?
    2. Who do I want to be?
    3. How do I want to show up in the world?
    4. What do I truly desire in my life?
  2. For each word, ask yourself: What does this mean to me?
  3. Look up the definitions to make sure those words match up with what you really want.
  4. Use the thesaurus and keep searching until you create a short list of potential words, if needed (one might scream out as the obvious choice, but don’t be too hasty – make sure it feels true to your desires).
  5. Choose one (or two…or maybe different words for different areas of your life, such as work, family, etc. – feel free to get creative!)
  6. Make it part of your morning ritual. Print or write it on colorful paper to hang where you’ll see your word regularly, or make it the backdrop on your phone or computer. Make sure you’re constantly reminded of your word so you can start to embody it, take small steps to move toward it, and be open to let the universe deliver it to you!

It’s also helpful to declare it. Share it with friends, family, and here in the comments! You might be surprised to see how many ways this theme shows up in your life. Now is a great time to start an evidence journal to keep track of all the times you experience your word/theme across many areas of your life this year.

Wishing you a blessed and joyful new year!

*This information is based on techniques I learned from my mentor, Jeannine Yoder, in Mentor Masterclass