Mary Janssen Life Coach

Creating Connection and Fulfillment

Forgiveness Is A Process

“Forgiveness is hard,” I thought to myself. I was working with my life coach on healing an old wound that was affecting an important relationship. And by affecting, I mean spiraling so often and deep that I was losing sleep, crying in the shower, feeling like I wanted to punch this person in the face (which I would never actually do). But then I realized, forgiveness is simple. It’s the repetition of having to forgive over and over and over again that’s frustrating.

Forgiveness is a process. Starting at the top layer and working your way down. “I forgive you for triggering me today.” Simple. Then, “I forgive you for triggering me the time before that…..I forgive you for triggering me the time before that…” and so on and so forth. Until you get to the original wound. And there, is where deeper forgiveness must happen. There is where it might feel harder because there are several steps to forgiving the original wound.

  1. Are you ready? You took on that wound for a reason. What benefit are you getting from holding onto it? Did you put up a wall that feels like it’s protecting you from getting hurt again? Does it give you someone else to blame for other challenges you’re facing? Are you ready to let go of whatever you’re getting from the wound? If so, great – head to step 2. If you’re not ready yet, no worries, still work on step 2 and forgiving them again each time they trigger your wound. You will keep getting triggered until the wound is healed.
  2. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for taking on the wound, playing victim, and reacting to that person’s actions instead of focusing only on yourself. Forgive yourself for every time that you’ve been triggered since then and the way it affected your life and relationships. Forgive yourself for holding onto it for as long as you have. Forgive yourself for being human. You were getting some benefit out of holding on, remember?
  3. Forgive them and move forward. Fully release the wound. Take away all it’s power over you. Thank it for the benefit it provided for helping you feel safe and helping you grow (going through this process is a definite growing period – hooray, You!). Fully release the person(s) whose actions resulted in your wound from being your negative energy target. Maybe you will jump right back in with that person, maybe you will set up stronger boundaries with them in the future. Do what feels best for you and is in the highest good for everyone.

I personally wrestle with “Should I talk to the person who hurt me? Should I tell them that their actions had lasting consequences on my life?” That, I think, is completely individual to you, your relationship with that person, the situation, and what has passed since the original wound. And what kind of boundaries you want to set up with that person moving forward. Maybe they will want an explanation of why you’ve set stricter boundaries, maybe they won’t.

Before you head into any conversations ask yourself “Why do I feel the need to talk to them?” If it’s because you want them to know that they were bad to you, head right on back to step 1 above. You’re still wounded and triggered. If it’s because you want to share your growth experience, own your reactions and triggers, and explain why you are setting boundaries that are in the highest good for everyone involved, then it might be worth it. But, be very cautious that you aren’t returning the favor of being wounded (even subconsciously).

This process can take time, as much or as little as you need (see step 1). And it’s all okay. Keep working on step 2: forgive yourself. Have grace and remember you are only human and that is a good thing.

With love,
Mary

How to Support Your Loved Ones: It’s Different Than You Think

In the movie “27 Dresses” the main character bends over backward to support other women on their big day in the hope that one day it’ll be her day and they will all be there to support her. What if, at the end of the movie, instead of the sweet pan-out shot of the long line of women in ridiculous dresses there to support our heroine no one showed up?

That’s how I feel as an empath. That I put in so much energy, time, effort, and sometimes sweat and tears to support others in their big life events. And I did it happily and with the hope that when it was my turn I would receive their support in return. But then I didn’t.

It’s not that they weren’t supporting me, they just couldn’t feel my needs in their bodies and give to me from complete understanding and almost psychic knowing of what I needed. And, because that was the only way I knew how to give, that’s how I expected to receive support so I wasn’t open to the type of support that was being offered. Maybe that desire for specific support came off as expecting too much. Maybe that’s part of why I’m often perceived as both “too sensitive” and “cold.”

I would guess most of the people who’ve hurt me don’t even know it. I was not about to tell them! After all, as an empath, starting a confrontational conversation is doubly painful for me. I would rather brush it under the rug and let them think everything is sunshine and rainbows than admit I was wounded. This also leads to holding onto hurts that were never fully expressed and moved through in an open, healthy way. Being an empath is hard, especially if you don’t know you are one. For many years I didn’t know I am an empath. I was just a big ball of too many emotions I didn’t know what to do with and feeling unsupported through it all.

So, how do you give and get the best support? 

  1. If you are not an empath or highly sensitive person, try to have compassion and sympathy, if not empathy (hugely different from being empathic FYI), for your “sensitive” loved ones when they tell you they don’t feel supported. And, since you can’t feel their emotions yourself, ASK how they would like to be supported. It may surprise you as to how different it is from how you like to receive support. Do your best to give support in the way they ask. This tip works for anyone, empath or not: ask and make an effort.

  2. If you are the “sensitive” one, put an energetic bubble around yourself and tap into your courage then confide to your close circle that you don’t feel supported. Be ready with a kind and specific request of how your people can support you right now. Then be open to however they are able to show you support in their own way. Asking and receiving may both take some practice, but you’ve got this!

Go out and support one another in a kind, loving, individual way. You will be blown away by the depth of connection it brings.

If you want a safe space to practice asking for and receiving specific support, join the Connect Deep-Her Circle.  Learn more here.

You’re Doing It Wrong

There are a lot of people in the world today that would tell you the BEST way to do something, or how you’re doing something WRONG. It goes across the board from gardening to celebrating holidays to parenting. Judgment of differences and needing to feel RIGHT – and instilling what you do onto others around you. 

Here’s the thing, if we all did things the same way the world would be SO BORING! And when something didn’t work for someone else, there would be no other options. Talk about hopelessness. Instead, having variety among our friends and neighbors allows us to say, “Hey, I’m having trouble with this thing. What has worked well for you that I could try?”

Many people out there would rather make you believe there’s something wrong with you or you aren’t doing something right if their “perfect” way doesn’t work for you. But, why would you think it would? You aren’t that person, having that person’s experience, at this moment in time. And even if parts of their way work for you now, it doesn’t mean they will in 10 years or next month or even later today. We are all growing and changing and our way of doing things needs to grow and change with us. Sometimes, learning a new way of doing things is the catalyst for the growth. Always, the growth cannot happen without doing things differently.  Same action = same result. Different action = different result. Simple. 

Your action steps: 

Think of a few tasks or activities you do regularly and ask yourself

  • Why do you do them that way? Did someone else tell you to do it that way or did you complete several rounds of trial and error to discover what works best for you? 
  • What about them is not working for you any more? HINT: if you’re reading this, it’s because you know something isn’t working anymore and you’re here to change it. Pinpoint exactly what’s holding you back.  
  • What is one new thing you can try to make it work better? Or, who could you ask for a recommendation? 

If you raise children you know that what worked yesterday – or even five minutes ago – might not work in this moment because kids are learning and growing so fast. You are also ever-changing and your modus operandi need to evolve too. So, instead of judging others (let’s be honest that’s all about how we perceive ourselves anyway), let’s embrace variety and SUPPORT each other. We are all different humans having different experiences and need an abundance of tools and resources to maneuver through life. 

Finding Light in the Dark: When Shame Holds You Back

Hey there!

Let’s talk about shame. Does reading that word leave a greasy, heavy feeling in your stomach? Try saying it out loud. Is there a metallic taste in your mouth? It’s not the most pleasant thing, shame. It seems to have a lot of power over us.

We hide who we really are. We hide our “secrets” so that people don’t run away from us or ridicule us. And here is the worst part: the more we keep hidden away, and the longer it stays in the dark, the more shame we feel.

Guess what! Saying it out loud – that thing or things you are hiding out of fear and shame – will lessen or even take away the shame. Voicing it will take away the power of that shame. It will empower you to feel more whole, lighter.

And, most likely, that secret thing you were ashamed of was not anything to be ashamed of. But, we let the fear of rejection stop us from shining out in our unique brilliance. If the people who surround you truly care about you, they want to see you shine. Stop projecting negative reactions on your people; it’s not fair to them. If the people around you want to hold you back, you need different people.

By saying it out loud, you become the master of your life. Shame loses its control over you. Even if it is something embarrassing, let it out to let it go. Voice it and release it. If it’s a part of you that shows your unique gifts to the world, embrace it. Find ways to use it. Find people to encourage you, leave the nay-sayers in your dust. Be a light. We need more light in this world. We need your light in this world.

With love,
Mary

P.S. Find one person you trust to share your secret with today (remember, waiting makes it worse). How do you feel after voicing it? Share in the comments.

 

Three Words That Changed My Life

She looked me right in the eyes and said, “You’re an empath.”

“Cool,” I replied as goose bumps started to form on my skin. “What’s that?”

In a workshop at my yoga teacher training, a Reiki Master was talking about the chakras. Something in the air – or her energy, or mine – made it impossible to hold back. I rarely, if ever, shared about my lifelong struggles with sleep, making and keeping friends, anxiety, and other emotional issues, but these deep dark secrets were pouring out of me. It felt out of body when, as I was talking, my brain was like, “Mary, what are you doing saying all this out loud in front of a group of people?!”

And then, my world changed forever. She told me I am an empath. I’d never heard of that before.

She explained briefly that an empath absorbs other peoples’ energy, often without knowing it, resulting in insomnia, extreme stress, exhaustion, building up walls and shutting down your emotions because there are so many other peoples’ emotions floating around it’s difficult to process. Yes. Yes! YES!

I cried. Literally, tears were overflowing from my eyes. All my “issues” suddenly made sense – and were from a powerful gift, not a curse like I’d been thinking for years! She gave me a quick and easy way to cleanse my energy and physical body each night to help me sleep. And my journey to discovering my true self began.

The first thing I did when I got home was Google “empath” – obviously. It’s been a slow process and I am just now, over two years later, really dedicating myself to learning how to master my abilities. I needed time to come to terms with it, observe it, and see how much it was affecting me (which was A LOT, by the way).

As I share this story with others, some discover their own empath gifts, some share with me their empath skills and energy protection and clearing practices, and some reflect back to me specific times when I’ve shut down my emotions or embraced my gifts. Some people think I’m crazy, especially if they aren’t highly sensitive or empathic themselves; that’s okay too.

As I read more and practice empath related energy work, I become more open in my relationships and to my intuition. In the past month or so, I have fully accepted that I am an empath. It truly is a gift. And, I am ready to embrace it. I am ready to take action toward developing skills that make this gift a useful tool. And it is pretty cool.